behind the scenes

Most of the time, I post an entry here to imprint a moment or a day worth remembering.  Something I want to look back on and get nostalgic over.  Something that makes me feel like my life is pretty good.

After a lot of these posts, it starts to look like my life is only made up of these sorts of spectacular moments.  It looks like I am this mother who does all sorts of great things for her kids and has a positive outlook and all kinds of patience.

But that, my friends, is not so.

Between the posts, there isn’t necessarily much worth remembering.  Often times it seems there is more worth forgetting.  Feelings of chaos and being completely overwhelmed, crying spells (me), crying spells (the kids), taking three hours to make, eat, and clean up from breakfast just in time for lunch, being so behind on laundry that my daughter has to wear dirty underwear.

Today is one of those days, even though yesterday was truly spectacular.  Today I am depressed, feeling hopeless, suffocating, tired of being touched, tired of hearing noise, tired of being kicked in the face and headbutted in my sleep, tired of giving, feeling desperately fearful of ever having another child because who do I think I am kidding? How on earth could I handle even more noise, demands, touching, kicking, and mouths to feed?

And of course, this will pass like it always does.  The gray clouds will move along and I will have my sunshine again.  Tomorrow is a new day.