a happy day at last

Thank you to all of my lovely friends and to my mom for your kind messages of love and support, and to my loving husband who stayed up into the wee hours of the night to listen and talk through and help me work through my inner turmoil.

I am pleased to announce that I am crawling out of my state and slowly returning to normal, as I have done and will probably continue to do many more times in my life.  Recovery takes time, space, and nurturing.  It never happens overnight, and usually I come out of it knowing more about myself than I did going into it.

Today was one of those days that reminded me of the “old days”…you know, the days before Anna arrived.  Back then, life felt more free and easy than it does now.  There was more quiet, more space, more fun, more connection between Mia and me.  Back then, I really, really, really loved being a full-time mama.  These days, those feelings aren’t always in the foreground.  But my lucky stars lined up, and today, those feelings were back.

We visited my sister Daja and her man, Ryan, and enjoyed a slice of homemade pie (thanks, Daja and Ryan) and some laughs. Then we drove to the Children Museum, which happens to be closed on Mondays (same as all the other Mondays I’ve driven there and turned around), so we ended up at the Como zoo–one of my favorite places to visit after the school year has begun.

Como was quiet and spacious and we almost had the whole place to ourselves.  Anna was content being carried on my chest in the Ergo for a while (which eliminated the usual chasing, catching, screaming, and kicking that she seems to like doing whenever we take her out in public). And when she had to run, there was space for her to do it without getting lost and/or trampled.

The weather was perfect and I was going strong from my 6-raw-egg-yolk smoothie I had for breakfast.  And I even wore makeup and styled my hair and wore earrings, because I’ve noticed lately how that perks up my mood.

Dinner tonight is beef short ribs that I put in the oven this morning (baked on low heat in BBQ sauce in cast-iron pot all day) with sweet potato oven fries. Maybe we will even eat dinner outside on a blanket.

A delicious end to a perfect, happy day.

I hope your day was bright and happy, too.


ten things

Today I love…

1. beef barley soup waiting in the crock pot

2. that every time Anna sees an animal, even a spider, she yells “BUBBY!”

3. that we have no plans for the first weekend in a long, long time

4. fresh eggs from the Mill City Farmer’s Market

5. a new down comforter from my mother-in-law (thank you, Mary)

6. friends who care about me even when i am in a bad mood (thank you, friends)

7. Food Tidings for my midwife, Jeanne

8. remembering (finally) to give Mia her allowance

9. feeling the rough waters inside me begin to settle

10. a clean house

A new picture of me

Here’s a picture Alan took of me the other day, which was better than today.

I had a new haircut, highlights, my brows waxed…AND I had a shower, wore earrings, my cute new gray sweater thing, and even makeup.  I think I also ate three good meals that day and remembered to take all of my supplements.

The kids were happy and Alan and I had made up from our argument the day before about the way-too-big bill I stacked up at the salon.

Thank goodness for cameras and memories.

Here I am again on a bad, bad day

Well, I am back.

I’m in that place again where I need a place to put my thoughts so they aren’t stuck in my head.  Or my throat.

Here I am, with a screaming 18-month old whom I can’t seem to please, a pailful of stinky diapers waiting to be washed, and enough drama to make Shakespeare turn in his grave.  I just learned that my beloved midwife, Jeanne, has breast cancer and that my beloved mother plans to donate her body to science after she dies (which I respect, but am having a terrible time accepting); in addition, I learned that a close friend and her husband are separating.  Alan is stressed and tired, we all have colds, and I just got the bill for Anna’s hospital visit 3 weeks ago.  Ouch.

Life is much harder than I ever expected.  Maybe instead of spending my high school years stressing out over algebraic equations, dysfunctional friendships,  and American history, I should have been learning about THIS.  I should have learned about budgeting, parenting, health, growing food, making meals, taking care of things.  I should have learned how to handle conflict in a healthy way, how to have functional relationships, how to help friends when they are in trouble, and how to not lose myself amidst it all.

And if not that, I should at least have spent my time relaxing and enjoying life because that would be my only chance to do so in a long, long time.

Today, I feel incompetent.  And completely, utterly overwhelmed.

On a positive note, I joined Facebook again.  I enjoyed my vacation from it and learned a thing or two about myself and how I spend my time.  It was good for me, but I found myself missing people and wondering what they were up to.  So I joined, and carefully chose my friends.  I am keeping my circle small and tight, with those I feel safe sharing my life with.