A new picture of me

Here’s a picture Alan took of me the other day, which was better than today.

I had a new haircut, highlights, my brows waxed…AND I had a shower, wore earrings, my cute new gray sweater thing, and even makeup.  I think I also ate three good meals that day and remembered to take all of my supplements.

The kids were happy and Alan and I had made up from our argument the day before about the way-too-big bill I stacked up at the salon.

Thank goodness for cameras and memories.

Here I am again on a bad, bad day

Well, I am back.

I’m in that place again where I need a place to put my thoughts so they aren’t stuck in my head.  Or my throat.

Here I am, with a screaming 18-month old whom I can’t seem to please, a pailful of stinky diapers waiting to be washed, and enough drama to make Shakespeare turn in his grave.  I just learned that my beloved midwife, Jeanne, has breast cancer and that my beloved mother plans to donate her body to science after she dies (which I respect, but am having a terrible time accepting); in addition, I learned that a close friend and her husband are separating.  Alan is stressed and tired, we all have colds, and I just got the bill for Anna’s hospital visit 3 weeks ago.  Ouch.

Life is much harder than I ever expected.  Maybe instead of spending my high school years stressing out over algebraic equations, dysfunctional friendships,  and American history, I should have been learning about THIS.  I should have learned about budgeting, parenting, health, growing food, making meals, taking care of things.  I should have learned how to handle conflict in a healthy way, how to have functional relationships, how to help friends when they are in trouble, and how to not lose myself amidst it all.

And if not that, I should at least have spent my time relaxing and enjoying life because that would be my only chance to do so in a long, long time.

Today, I feel incompetent.  And completely, utterly overwhelmed.

On a positive note, I joined Facebook again.  I enjoyed my vacation from it and learned a thing or two about myself and how I spend my time.  It was good for me, but I found myself missing people and wondering what they were up to.  So I joined, and carefully chose my friends.  I am keeping my circle small and tight, with those I feel safe sharing my life with.