I am not so sure I want a job after all.

I was hired for a job a few weeks ago and had my first official shift last week.  The job involves taking care of a sweet elderly woman in her home.

For the first few days, I loved it.  The two-hour break from my own life was refreshing and I came home feeling energized and appreciated.  I love doing work that is important–work that means something and helps people.  And I like making money, even if it’s just a little bit.  There is a magical power that comes with earning money that I have not felt in a long time.

But today was different.  Mia cried at the window as I drove off.  Anna didn’t finish her morning nursing session and I didn’t finish breakfast.

Then shortly after I got to my client’s house, she was taken to the hospital by ambulance.

Suddenly I don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t like that my kids’ needs are being put on the back burner on the mornings I work.  I don’t like the risk of becoming attached to someone just to have her die.

In the early years of our marriage, I worked at a nurse’s aide in two nursing homes.  I loved the work; it was the most gratifying work I have ever done (other than parenting!).  But it was also the hardest.  I lost many people that I loved.  The losses traumatized me to the point where I always felt like I was going to lose someone or that something awful was about to happen. So I quit. I took the good things with me and left the bad things behind. I donated all of my scrubs in a vow to not do that line of work again.

Yet here I am.  This time it is different, but also much the same.  The same attachment, the same inevitable loss.  And on top of that, the feeling that I must neglect my kids’ needs a little bit.

What to do.

 

2 thoughts on “I am not so sure I want a job after all.

  1. oh lisa, i’m so sorry to hear about the tough morning! i have no answers, of course, but i know that you’ll follow your heart and find the best path just like you always do! sending you all of the good thoughts that i have! xo

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