things are better now.

Things are better now.

It feels good to cry and complain for a while and then the cloud lifts and I am able to see my life clearly again.

I am not mad at the orthodontist anymore; my problem is not her fault.  I am grateful she helped me when I wanted her help.

Money can always be earned.  There is an infinite amount of money in the world.  I am over it.

What I am grateful for is that I have people I love and who love me back.  I am grateful that so far all of these people are alive and healthy and there for me when I need them.  I have a home, I am able to be with my kids most of the time, eat good food, live the life I want.  I am grateful to be free and in charge of my own life.

Sometimes I am such an entitled brat.

a bad day.

After this post, my goal is to get to sleep and put this day behind me.

I made the decision to try Invisalign to correct my bite, which my dentists have been pushing me to do for quite some time.  My teeth are shifting as I age, and the way they are shifting is causing stress to my jaw.  So because I wanted to do the right thing and be responsible for my health, I went for it.  Even though it cost an arm and a leg and I had to find a way to get that arm and leg to pay for it because I didn’t have any.

So I got more hours at work and I worked extra jobs all summer to make the down payment of roughly $1500.  Then for the last two months I have put most of my earnings from my regular part-time job of taking care of my sweet old lady (I love her and the job) toward making the monthly payments for my Invisalign, $378 to be exact.

I love the way my smile has already changed and how quickly my teeth are moving.

But now I have to quit.

Because I had a reaction to the plastic, and the reaction got progressively worse.  I was feeling poisoned, aching all over, painful joints, fatigue, blisters in my mouth. I didn’t realize the Invisalign was making me feel this way until I saw my doctor a few days ago.  (He is not a “real” doctor, of course, but better than a “real” doctor because he can find the root of my problems.)

Two hours after removing the Invisaligns, my symptoms were nearly gone.  Until that moment, I hadn’t fully realized the effect they were having on my body.

A little internet research revealed that reactions like mine are more common than Invisalign chooses to report, and that the FDA has issued a warning to Invisalign for improperly reporting adverse reactions.  Although rare, adverse reactions DO HAPPEN.

My orthodontist thinks I had the flu and wants me to wear them another two weeks to see if I get sick again.  I have never heard of a flu that lasts 6 weeks, has no fever or respiratory symptoms and is gone as soon as the Invisaligns are out of my mouth.  I think she thinks I am crazy. I think she thinks it’s impossible for me to have an adverse reaction to these plastic things that are in my mouth 24 hours a day, constantly leaching pthalates into my bloodstream.  I think she has no concept of health and how all systems in the body are connected.  And that makes me feel uncomfortable and trapped and totally out of my comfort zone–because that is not how I roll.

So I will put my health first.  And I will lose out on the money I sank into these poisonous retainers.  The orthodontist won’t put the money toward regular braces even if I want them, which I don’t.  She will take my money and run.  I want to run, too–away from that office never to return.

I am sad.  I feel like a fool.

But every once in a while everyone gets a kick in the pants.  I know something good will come of this; if nothing else, it will leave me more the wiser.

Sometimes you have to try and fail.

insomnia

This happens to me at least once a month or so.

By this, I mean having a racing mind that is trying to sort things out, planning, processing, or worrying.  And by this, I mean being unable to fall asleep after trying and trying.  For hours.

Sleep is very important to my wellbeing and especially my mental health–and especially sleep before midnight.  But tonight, like so many other nights, I can’t seem to get my much-needed dose of good sleep no matter what I try.  Even though the last two nights I almost didn’t sleep at all–because Mia and Anna were sick with influenza–I just can’t seem to get into sleepland.  (They are better now.  Thank goodness.)

So what is on my mind tonight? Maybe if I write about it I can get my mind calmed so it can fall into rest mode.

Raw foods.

Juicing.

Detoxing.

Orthodontia/braces/my appointment tomorrow that I am nervous about.

Raw animal foods.

Cow’s milk vs. goat’s milk.

My burning desire to have a small farm.

My burning desire to grow my own food and be as self-sufficient as possible.

My worry about going over budget this month on the grocery bill and wondering where the money will come from to make up for it.

My worry about money.

Pondering the idea that on a global scale, we are among the richest people in the world.  And it feels ironic that so much of that money has to go toward our basic needs–because of the way that we live in our rich and abundant culture.  Richness is relative.  If we lived more simply, we wouldn’t need so much money for basic needs. Sometimes I would like to live in a grass hut in Africa and sometimes I feel like this kind of life is the richest one there is:  life without electricity or gas or television or shopping.  Sounds nice sometimes.

Trying to figure out the endless confusion about what a healthy diet is and questioning my beliefs and whether I am doing it right or not. Right now I am so very confused.  I’ve been following the Weston Price principles for years, and it makes sense to me.  I have healed and feel well, but maybe there is more to this than I thought.  I’ve realized that I haven’t eaten enough raw foods, and I am feeling drawn to eating more raw foods and to juicing.  But then there are those people who believe you shouldn’t eat animal foods at all, and then there are those people who believe you should eat only animal foods.  When I get confused about this, I always think about the traditional Eskimos, who are among the healthiest people in human history.  They ate only animal foods, but they ate their animal foods RAW.  And they did not have blenders or juicers and the frozen tundra did not produce many plant foods.  The way they ate is different from what I am doing with all of my meat (cooking it), which many people believe causes cancer.  Maybe there is not one right way; maybe there are many ways.  Kind of like everything else in life, right? Well, at least I have my raw milk and raw eggs yolks for now.  Maybe I will try making steak tartare or sushi one of these days…

Goodnight.