dilemma

Last week I kept up on housework and laundry, made three meals a day plus snacks, did a big grocery trip with the children, took the girls on two outings, took Mia to acting and choir, and took care of another child for one day. I wrote out the meal plan for the week ahead, started a batch of sourdough starter, and made a batch of yogurt and kefir.

Anna did not take a nap this week on my clock, despite waking up too early and getting to bed too late.  I went to work three evenings this week, came home from work and put the girls to bed and then caught up on housework.  My New Year’s resolution of nurturing myself each day manifested itself in little ways: a bath one evening, reading a little here and there, and running errands by myself.  Although grateful for those little luxuries, I want more.

Having meals and a neat house and children who were mostly happy was very nice.  But I am now completely and utterly exhausted.  I feel unappreciated and empty.  I have given all that I have and am left yearning for something more–something that makes me feel special and appreciated and beautiful and worthy.  Being a homemaker has got to be one of the most underappreciated jobs there is; it is a job that never ends, doesn’t pay, and whose daily work can be undone in a matter of moments.

This week I went above and beyond.  Most weeks I don’t.  I like the results of going above and beyond, except for the emotional deprivation that accompanies it.  It is my dilemma.