This blog is where I go to sort things out when my mind is on overdrive. It always makes me feel better to write things down, even if afterward it seems silly.
Today I was sad all day. Then I went to work with the old lady that I care for. Now I am home, and I am my old self again. All the sadness is lifted. I feel positive and happy.
Giving to someone who appreciates me is immediate relief for sadness.
Now I remember why I got the job in the first place.
After immersing myself in my past (by spending a few days at my childhood home) I am feeling strange. Not necessarily due to anything in particular; I had a wonderful time. Going back in time inevitably opens old wounds–those that we all have.
I am overcome with feelings of guilt and inadequacy and feeling stuck. I feel alone. I feel like nobody understands or appreciates me for who I am.
I am unable to accomplish much today. My attitude is pessimistic and negative. I have been having nightmares and severe digestive upset. My list of ten favorite things that I wrote today didn’t even cheer me up the way it normally does.
I want to leave Facebook. Again. Why do I have such a love/hate relationship with it? My “friends” list has grown again to a point where I don’t feel comfortable sharing and being my true self. When I post things that are of interest of me, I think I inevitably offend someone every time. I am overly concerned with how I affect people to the point where I punish myself with guilt and grief over it. People can be so complicated, myself included.
Sometimes we have to be sad. Sometimes we have to digest those uncomfortable feelings before we can be in a good place again. Feeling good takes conscious effort and nurturing of the self.
I am trying to remember that today and am trying to roll with this discomfort, letting it pass through me so I can feel soft and free again.
this week I love:
10. my dad teaching Mia how to skip rocks, with sweetness and laughter
9. sunset at Lakefront beach in my hometown of Hudson, Wisconsin
8. 10 books for $1.50 from the thrift store that I went to with my mom
7. selling three of those books online hours after posting them
6. a good-morning snuggle between my girls first thing in the morning
5. ping-pong on the dining room table
4. both the complicatedness and simplicity of life
3. jazz playing on Mia’s radio–that’s my girl!
2. seeing the beauty of my childhood home, as if for the first time
1. the softness and warmth of Alan’s embrace after being apart AND his drawing me a bath with lavender oils, candles, and music (I added that just for you, Alan)