Being real

Life has been an interesting journey of healing and self-discovery in the last couple of months.

Many positive changes have happened, not all have been easy, and not all have been changes that I saw coming.  My treasure map is slowly coming to fruition in pleasant ways, and I have dropped a few requests from my treasure map that I wrote back in March after realizing that they are really not what I want (for example, having a baby).

2012 is a big astrological year; it is a year for change, getting out with the old, uncovering the true self, following one’s calling.

This has been true for me thus far, and suddenly I find myself in a place where I am aware of so much I never saw before.  I have attracted controlling relationships and allowed them to overshadow who I am and who I want, needing approval and having difficulty making decisions on my own without feeling guilt or inadequacy.

Suddenly that has changed.  I feel a strong discomfort in how lax and/or nonexistent my boundaries have been.  When I was a child, I learned that my boundaries were nonexistent; anyone, at any time had permission to violate my physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries.  I have subconsciously carried that into adulthood, like most people do. I have given others more than I wanted to give.  Suddenly I am innately driven to define my boundaries and take a step back, and I have the inner knowing that I have the right to make and uphold my personal boundaries, whether other people appreciate them or not.

My new boundaries apply to my children, family, friends, and spouse.  Some of the relationships have been/are co-dependent. All of my relationships will shift now, and although it may cause pain for some, I finally acknowledge that it is not my job to manage the emotions of others.  That journey belongs to them, and my journey belongs to me.

I have allowed my children too much space in my life, too.  Children, just like controlling adults, will take all you have unless you set firm limits.  I see that now, and it makes me laugh a little because of how many times people have told me that over the years.  We are only ready for change when the time is right, and I am no exception to that rule.

In pursuit of letting the “real me” shine, I cleaned out my basement and finally organized the kids’ art supplies.  It is very much a metaphor for cleaning out the emotional garbage of guilt, stifled feelings, and emotional obligation. Alan and I moved our bedroom upstairs, complete with a study and our own bathroom, to create our own master suite.  The kids have a new bedroom downstairs with a bunk bed, which will be complete at the end of the week.  This is a physical expression of my new boundaries within my own home, and it feels so right.  I have my own space, and Alan and I have a space where we can be alone as husband and wife (after sharing our room with children for the last 8 years)!

There are people in my life who are habitually rude and belittling to my children, and there will now be a great distance between them and my children.  I have allowed this to go on because of my own blind spots and my dream-like belief that some people have unconditional privileges, such as being a part of my children’s lives while mistreating them. I will protect the boundaries of my children so that they will learn to protect their own boundaries.

I am quitting my job, which is one of the more challenging aspects of becoming my true self.  My sweet old lady is very fond of me and would like me to stay with her forever.  But I won’t.  I need the space for me, my family, and going back to school.  Someone else who is wonderful and kind will take my place, and my sweet old lady will adjust.

Alan is on the verge of a new job; there is a good chance he will take an administration job in Minneapolis schools.  The prospect is very exciting in many ways.  Things work out perfectly, just in the right time and in the right way.  He will have a better income, and it will more than make up for my not working.  See? It is perfect.

Change is in the air.

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