Goodbye Facebook…I think.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I must end a major relationship in my life. I think.

And that is my relationship with Facebook.

I have done this before, 4 times to be exact.  Why I keep going back, I do not know.

The feelings that Facebook gives me are these: inadequacy, invasion of privacy, guilt, regret, anger, frustration, fear of being disliked for who I am.  I feel like I am always at a party, like I have nowhere to hide and get some peace and quiet.

Then there is the occasional good feeling I get from being connected to my relatives that live far away or friends I do not see on a regular basis, and the good feeling of sharing something important to me and getting positive feedback.  And I suppose that is what has kept me coming back.

Facebook takes up an extraordinary amount of my time and mental energy, and in the time I have been a Facebook user, I have regretfully given more time to Facebook than individualized, deliberate time with my children.  And I emphasize this: regretfully.

Can I keep in touch with the people in my life without Facebook? I do not know.  I do hope so, on a certain level, at least.

Can I be happy without Facebook in my life? Absolutely.  Happier than I’ve been since Facebook peered its alluring face into my already full life.

I know that some people may be sad.  Others may not give a flying fart.  Others may be happy about it.

I want to live a peaceful and private life, one in which I live for me.  One in which I have the emotional energy to care for my children and family with my whole heart, one in which I am not put into inner turmoil over possibly saying the wrong thing and offending someone or reading other people’s upsetting posts.  I want to live without all of that.  I want a life without drama.

Do I leave quietly or with warning? Will I stick to my guns even when people beg me to stay?

We will see.

What I did on my second day of vacation

Because my second day was wrapped up in some inner turmoil, I forgot to write what I did other than ponder my life.  I do not want to forget, so here goes:

-shopped at Unique Thrift (it was their 25% off VIP day) and bought 15 books for just over $8.  Few things make me as happy as finding great books for next-to-nothing.

-took a long nap

-went to two Half-Price bookstores but left empty-handed (it’s ok–really)

-had dinner at Linden Hills Co-op (a slice of pizza for $1 and a delicious chocolate bar for another dollar–what a deal).  I ate my fabulous, simple meal while reading through the latest Vitamin.

-went to Target and tried on a bunch of workout clothes, several of which I liked.  But, my check was declined and I was not able to buy them.

-spent an hour on the phone with the bank and the credit agency to figure out why my check was declined. The answer is still not known.  Divine intervention, perhaps.

-worked on my albums until late at night, while listening to Pandora.

My final day of freedom

Ok, that sounds a bit grim.

I am looking forward to seeing those faces again.  I don’t quite miss them yet, but I do look forward to having them here in what has been my space for nearly three days.

Last night I stayed up until midnight to work on my albums.  I slept soundly and woke up at 9, feeling rested and rejuvenated.  Then I got dressed and headed to the chiropractor, from where I drove to Seward Co-op for a hot breakfast and coffee from the deli, which I ate while reading the early edition of the Sunday Pioneer Press.

It was pure delight.

On the way home, I stopped at the Goodwill and bought a few more books for Mia’s collection.

Now I am at home and cleaning a bit, not because I have to, but because I want to.  I want the girls’ room to be clean and neat for their return home.  Ok, maybe I do miss them.  Just a little.

Between spurts of cleaning the house and reprimanding our rambunctious kitten, I am finishing up my album that I started last night and uploading lots of pictures and videos online.

I am also thinking much about the book on CD I’ve been listening to in the car, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by John Gottman.  It is incredible.  This absolutely will change me and my marriage for the better, and I can’t wait to share what I’ve learned with Alan.

On this final day of my freedom vacation, I am in awe and filled with gratitude for the gifts I have in my life and for the person that I am.  I am re-committed to giving myself room for me, for having time like this where I do things that make me happy.  Giving myself space is good for everyone around me, too.  It is a gift to myself and to the world; it will bring out the best I have to offer.

This vacation was my first of the like, but will not be my last.  This marks the beginning of a new chapter, one in which I make room for joy and pleasure, one in which I make room for me.