Better yet, but aimless.

Today I am feeling optimistic and better yet than yesterday, but aimless.  Distracted.  Can’t focus on the task at hand.  Just want to read about astrology, think, and talk, talk, talk my husband’s ear off and anyone else who will listen to me.

I am excited about so many things, such as:

a new driveway

drain tiles for the basement

summer vacation

camping

building a playhouse with/for the kids

my Denmark trip

starting grad school in the fall

panting seedlings tomorrow

Mia and I getting braces at some point

selling our cars and getting a new one

feeling like I can love myself as the whole package that I am, imperfections included

feeling like this will allow me to love others, just as they are, imperfections included, and how nice that is.

wanting to have all kinds of adventures, especially in eating.  I want to eat at a good restaurant I have not been to before.

 

See? My mind is is everywhere.  At least there are mostly just good and happy things in there.

 

Life is funny.

I just spent a couple of weeks at the top of a hill, and last night, I rolled down from it at super speed.  The crash was triggered by an unexpected event, related to being hungry and tired and saying things I shouldn’t have said. Life is a roller-coaster.  Although I find myself, on average, flying higher than ever before, I nonetheless come crashing down like I always have.  I am not bi-polar (I’ve actually checked), but sometimes I wonder.  Does everyone have these highs and lows like I do?  Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have long-term stability with my moods like my rock-steady husband does.

The good thing about my low points is that I usually come out of them having learned something important and perhaps even made peace with something troublesome.  And, usually I do not self-destruct and it ends up yielding to improvement in an area of my life that could use some help.  When faced with a low period, I usually have a strong need to check out of society for a bit, neglect housework, and put my kids in front of Netflix.  But not for more than a few days.  I promise.

Healing and learning are hard work, but worthwhile work. What I’ve learned in the many lows I’ve had in my life is this: Don’t run from it.  Embrace the suffering.  Learn. Heal. Move on.

And I won’t forget the most important thing I need to do right now: LOVE MYSELF.  That’s the hardest thing sometimes.

So, this summarizes what I am doing today (or at least I am trying to)–trying to get back on that horse.

Mother’s Day

Today was the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had, probably because I asked for what I wanted (and gave lots of time for them to prepare).  Specifically, this is what I requested:

1. An outdoor picnic with my little family

2. Tiramisu, made by Alan

3. Homemade cards from my children

I got all of this, and then some–even a long love letter written by Alan (I am a sucker for those)!

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I am so very blessed.  This is as good as it gets.

xoxo

I’ve changed.

My universe has shifted.  The channel has changed, and I hardly recognize the person I was just a few months back.

Since the start of the new year, I’ve felt a cascade of shifts within me. It has at times been tiring and painful; at other times it has been sweet and comforting.  It has also been, at times, frightening. While my physical world has remained the same, my non-physical world is fresh and new.  My eyes are open now.

This shift has opened my heart and revealed the “real me”, who has been in hiding all of her life.  I feel like I have stepped on to the stage of life, playing the part that was intended for me.  The play has been going for a long time, and I have been absent.  It is my turn now to take the stage, and I am ready.

Years of baggage and dysfunctional beliefs have been lifted, and I feel light.  I feel grateful for everything.  I feel content. I have all that I need, right here and now.  The hurts I have carried around for so long have dissolved, and there is very little hurt left now. I am seeing all the people and relationships around me through fresh eyes.  I have empathy, yet I do not feel worry or responsibility for anyone else’s life but my own.

I have fallen in love with Alan all over again.  For many years I wondered where that man went whom I fell in love all those years ago.  Here has been all along: right in front of me.  I’ve seen him through goggles that have been muddled by my own doing.  Through much work, we’ve come to understand each other.  We have openness. There is respect and equality and safety.  I am so grateful we are here: a place where my past no longer dictates the present.  He is my partner and my best friend, and I am so grateful to share my journey with him.

I am working in my garden, managing our finances, being in love with my husband and children, feeling so much love for my parents and family and for everyone, really.  I am able to get things done without feeling overwhelmed.  I am able to let things go.  I have gained interest in people who are happy, positive and inspiring and I have gained interest in spending my time doing things that are meaningful and important to me.  I have gained to ability to say “no, thanks” and feel good about it.

I love my little house, even with all the work that it needs. It is my sweet little house that shelters the ones I love the most, and there are beautiful memories here.  My house really represents me as a person, too.  It has become de-cluttered and organized as I have moved through my healing process, and with patience and persistence, it is becoming repaired and cared for.

I love my job both as mom and wife, and also as a caregiver to my sweet friend, Flo, who has taught me so much.  I love my parents and I am so grateful for them.  I am grateful for all of the people who have been a part of my journey; every experience I’ve had has been a vessel that eventually lead to the place I find myself today.

While so much has healed, some hang-ups still remain. It’s like stepping in gum on the sidewalk: you can clean and wash and pick at it all day and there is always a little left.  Eventually I will throw out the whole shoe and wear a new one, maybe only to step in another piece of gum somewhere down the road.  And perhaps this is just a part of the human experience.  We are perfectly imperfect. We have hang-ups.

I finally understand what Louise Hay means by her well-known words: “Life is a mirror shining back at me.”

It really is true.

Anna rides a bike!

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Alan took Anna out the other night and ended up teaching her how to ride a bike.  She learned immediately.  She’s been using a balance bike for a while, so she had the balance thing down already.  Seeing her riding on the sidewalk on a tiny bike with her tiny legs going so fast was one of the CUTEST things I have ever seen.  LOVE.

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Anna was just so happy and proud, along with the rest of us.  She wanted to call “everybody” to share her exciting news, and that is just what she did.  She also decided that we would celebrate by going out for ice cream, or more specifically: “chocolate ice cream, ice cream cone, vanilla ice cream.”

I should note that this sweet little bike was custom painted and designed by Alan.  I can’t remember how it looked originally, but it looks pretty cute now.

Here is the video of the momentous occasion.