I’ve changed.

My universe has shifted.  The channel has changed, and I hardly recognize the person I was just a few months back.

Since the start of the new year, I’ve felt a cascade of shifts within me. It has at times been tiring and painful; at other times it has been sweet and comforting.  It has also been, at times, frightening. While my physical world has remained the same, my non-physical world is fresh and new.  My eyes are open now.

This shift has opened my heart and revealed the “real me”, who has been in hiding all of her life.  I feel like I have stepped on to the stage of life, playing the part that was intended for me.  The play has been going for a long time, and I have been absent.  It is my turn now to take the stage, and I am ready.

Years of baggage and dysfunctional beliefs have been lifted, and I feel light.  I feel grateful for everything.  I feel content. I have all that I need, right here and now.  The hurts I have carried around for so long have dissolved, and there is very little hurt left now. I am seeing all the people and relationships around me through fresh eyes.  I have empathy, yet I do not feel worry or responsibility for anyone else’s life but my own.

I have fallen in love with Alan all over again.  For many years I wondered where that man went whom I fell in love all those years ago.  Here has been all along: right in front of me.  I’ve seen him through goggles that have been muddled by my own doing.  Through much work, we’ve come to understand each other.  We have openness. There is respect and equality and safety.  I am so grateful we are here: a place where my past no longer dictates the present.  He is my partner and my best friend, and I am so grateful to share my journey with him.

I am working in my garden, managing our finances, being in love with my husband and children, feeling so much love for my parents and family and for everyone, really.  I am able to get things done without feeling overwhelmed.  I am able to let things go.  I have gained interest in people who are happy, positive and inspiring and I have gained interest in spending my time doing things that are meaningful and important to me.  I have gained to ability to say “no, thanks” and feel good about it.

I love my little house, even with all the work that it needs. It is my sweet little house that shelters the ones I love the most, and there are beautiful memories here.  My house really represents me as a person, too.  It has become de-cluttered and organized as I have moved through my healing process, and with patience and persistence, it is becoming repaired and cared for.

I love my job both as mom and wife, and also as a caregiver to my sweet friend, Flo, who has taught me so much.  I love my parents and I am so grateful for them.  I am grateful for all of the people who have been a part of my journey; every experience I’ve had has been a vessel that eventually lead to the place I find myself today.

While so much has healed, some hang-ups still remain. It’s like stepping in gum on the sidewalk: you can clean and wash and pick at it all day and there is always a little left.  Eventually I will throw out the whole shoe and wear a new one, maybe only to step in another piece of gum somewhere down the road.  And perhaps this is just a part of the human experience.  We are perfectly imperfect. We have hang-ups.

I finally understand what Louise Hay means by her well-known words: “Life is a mirror shining back at me.”

It really is true.

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