Wild Geese

This is one of my favorite poems read by my favorite reader of poems, Garrison Keillor.

http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/?date=2002/06/21

This poem reminds me of what I need when I am in a hard place, which I am right now.  I am processing, learning, growing and healing in a big way.  I am in a major transition of spiritual awareness and growth, and it is wonderful and overwhelming and liberating. This is what this Mercury retrograde was about for me, and I am grateful.  It ends tomorrow, and I am ready to move forward from here.

This poem reminds me that all I have to do is be me.  I don’t have to fix anyone. I don’t have to feel bad.  I don’t have to feel shame for what I feel or think or am, even if that is what I have learned.  I can change that.

I just have to love what I love and be who I am.  And it doesn’t matter what others think about that.  I am me.

Change

Mercury retrograde is coming to an end and words are coming back to me, so here is my third post in two days.

Looking back at some of my posts over the years, I almost don’t recognize myself.  It’s good to look back at my journey, which has been partially recorded here.  It’s kind of embarrassing and humbling, too.

I feel like it’s time to start a new space. This blog is a part of my old chapter, and it no longer feels like home.  It was born and has lived through a period of great change in my life. So much has changed in that time. I don’t need to defend myself so much anymore, and I don’t need to protect my children so much anymore.  I am safe, and all is well, and I feel pretty content regardless of what my family or others may think of me.  I am worthy as I am, and this is my life to live.

We have health insurance now, my kids are in school, Anna will go to Kindergarten and everything will be ok.  Five years ago, I probably would not have imagined I’d ever be saying those words!

I feel the need to switch gears.  I want to contribute now; I want to take my journey and transform it into change and light for others.  I want to help other people find their power.  We all have the power to overcome and change our lives for the better; it’s just a matter of finding it.

I am not sure what I will do, and I know I have said this perhaps twice before.  I think this blog will be laid to rest, but to be replaced with a fresh new blog that represents something else.  I think my writing energy will take new life in my writings for school and eventually for my Master’s thesis.  And perhaps a blog that helps people find their own power, because that is what I really want to do.

Overcoming

I haven’t had the words lately, and perhaps it has to do with Mercury retrograde for almost all of February.  I have been deep in thought and in a place of facing and realizing and healing old things so that I can move forward when this retrograde period ends.

The theme for me lately is “overcoming”.

Where I’ve come from is a place that can’t be shared on this blog.  And perhaps it doesn’t need to be.  It’s a place from which comes both deep gratitude and deep sorrow, and it’s the place that has been my soul’s journey.  To look back and see where I’ve been and and where I am now, it is a feeling that is hard to describe.  Simply put, I have overcome.

Since Anna was a baby, I’ve been consumed with this desire to overcome.  Her birth opened my soul and exposed it all, and I had to face all of that stuff.  I didn’t know where it would take me; I just followed this path that seemed to appear in front of me and went with it.

Today, I am different.  I have a distinct feeling of newness, a new chapter. I know today that I am here: the place I’ve been trying to get to for a very long time. One of Anna’s purposes for being here was to begin this journey I had to make.  Thank you, Anna.

Unlike prior to the last year or so, I can react appropriately and create my own boundaries, consistently and confidently.  I can choose to live with peace and kindness and turn away from that which hurts or does not benefit me.  I can see what is healthy and what is not, and I do not blame myself or take undue responsibility for it. That is good.  That is healthy.

I have been tested a few times over recent month with situations that have come my way, and each test I have passed. I have increasing confidence in my ability to take control of my life and what I allow into it.  It feels good.  It feels safe.  It feels good to know I am in a healthy place.

On top of that, I love my little family of Alan and our girls.  They are a treasure and an incredible gift, and this new place I am in allows me to love them purely and without the darkness of my past hovering over them.  I love them, purely and freely, and I am glad for that. Someday when it is my time to leave this earth, I hope to leave behind a legacy of love and light with my children and all the generations that follow.  That alone will have made my life worthwhile, at least to me.