Weird to look back.

Four and five years ago, I was writing on this blog. It is so weird to read my posts from back then. They were pretty frequent and carefully written, and had nice photographs along with them. I had a lot of time and energy for this. It feels like a different life, and like they were written by a different person.

Back then, Mia was as old as Anna is now. I was a different mother with her then compared to how I am with Anna now. I don’t know what I think about that. I was extremely devoted and connected with Mia, and my life revolved around giving her the kind of experience I felt she deserved, which, in hindsight, I still think was pretty awesome. In the meantime, I think I denied myself the experience I deserved, and neglected myself quite badly. That was not so awesome.

With Anna, I now have lower expectations of myself. I have made countless mistakes with her, and I am trusting that things will work out. I am more forgiving of myself than I was back then. It is easier. It is better now. The girls play with each other and don’t need me so much, and I have room for myself. More room than I had back then.

Over the years, my idealism has faded. That is a good thing. It’s still there, but much more realistic and forgiving. We’re each on our own path, and there is no one-side-fits-all. I see that now. It’s okay that we are all different. It is good. I am not as defensive and protective of myself and my beliefs as I was back then. People will agree sometimes, people will disagree sometimes. I am more comfortable with that now.

What I did not realize back then is how hard it is to let go of those old patterns and beliefs that I thought I could just “think” away. The gut reactions, the handling of stress, and the self-defense mechanisms I had back then have not changed all that much. Those deep, unmet needs from childhood that are still hanging on. I would like them to change. I would like them to be healthier and more functional. Those things cause stress to my family. What is the purpose of that? I am trying to figure that out. (This is how we are trained to think as Adlerians! All behavior has purpose!) Perhaps the purpose of overreacting to stress is to have significance, to get attention, to matter. How can I get that in a positive way? Maybe just by being nice all the time. That is hard for a Gemini to do.

This was probably the dumbest post I have written in a long time.