“Never Enough.”

Well, it has been a while since I posted. So what better time than Mercury retrograde to post about the misery I am going through at the moment?

I am on the verge of bronchitis, which I have been sort of expecting at one point or another.  Fall is Vata season, in which it is very easy for a Vata person like me to go into excess and get a respiratory infection–and especially when I am doing too much and having too much change along with it.  And that is precisely where I am at.

My internship is the hardest thing I have done since having my second baby.  I am weak and vulnerable and feel like I am on the verge of drowning.  I really want to give up, and I am looking at that “off” switch, knowing that at any moment I am free to flip it–I am free to quit this at any time.  My mental health is suffering, and I am operating at a low-grade depression at the moment.  I am not enjoying any aspect of my life right now.  It is hard for me to access that warmth and gratitude that was just at my fingertips not so long ago, and it’s hard for me even to enjoy the time I have with my children.

There is so little time now.  Little time for quiet, little time to think and dream, for my marriage, for my kids, and last but not least, for my own spirit.  What IS getting lots of time is my internship and my classes, and also chairs and my car.  All the sitting and driving and learning so many new things and sucking at all of them.  It is so hard.  So fucking hard.

So, things are not good in any department right now.  I feel like I am never enough.  And there it is again–that mistaken belief that I have to work through once again, while learning all kinds of new information that makes me feel like my head is going to explode.  And my husband is finishing his thesis, and he can’t give me the time that I need away from the house and the kids.  And this weekend I have some major things I have to prepare for next week: a midterm exam, a 1 1/2-hour lecture, and a presentation for Anna’s class (which was totally voluntary and actually gives me some joy, unlike the other two items on my list).  The good thing about all of this is that I believe that I am capable, and once I get through this week, I think I will feel pretty good about that.

I want to quit, but I won’t.  Somehow I will have to figure this out.  Maybe I can shift things around, including my attitude.  Maybe if I weren’t so concerned with being perfect or doing so much all at once it would be easier. Maybe if I wasn’t so jaded, like my husband says I am.  Which probably is true.

I don’t know if this would have been any easier had I waited a few years.  I just think it would have been hard no matter what.  I am not the toughest nail in the shed.  But I am determined, and maybe that counts for something.

2 thoughts on ““Never Enough.”

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  1. I totally get what you’re saying, in fact I feel it to a certain degree myself, but I beg to differ that you’re not the toughest nail in the shed. This is really hard work, in every sense of the word! It forces you to dig deep within yourself and face those really difficult parts that are more easily left alone; it challenges you to the very core. Of course it will make you feel weak, but reality is the exact opposite. You couldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t extremely tough. You are already more than enough.

    I’m so sorry you’re under the weather while experiencing so many challenges; school is hard enough when you’re not at your best, so I can only imagine what your internship must feel like. I’m a little scared for my own whenever that will be, but I’m confident that by then you’ll be comfortable in your work and will have some words of wisdom for me when things get to be too much. Because isn’t a rough patch like this expected, kind of a rite of passage?

    Can you treat yourself to a hot mug of stock or a hot bath somewhere in between all that you’ve got going? Something nourishing that will chase away the chills and add some comfort to your day. Do you have time to read some old journal entries that will take you back to those feelings of warmth and gratitude? Those feelings aren’t that far away, regardless of how you feel right now. Can you meditate, even just for a few minutes? Maybe treat yourself to a fun or interesting podcast while you’re driving, or try a new Spotify playlist (I love looking for talks by Neil Degrasse Tyson on Youtube, and Spotify has a really great playlist called “songs for sunsets,” I think). I find that injecting little things like these into my difficult days can help a lot.

    I love your determination. You’ve totally got this. But I’m still sending hugs and warm thoughts. When you’re feeling well enough and have things under control I’d love to meet for coffee again! I’m dying to hear more about your internship and your classes, and to talk about all I’ve been learning, too.

  2. Thank you for this lovely reply, Alyssa. I see that I never replied to it. Here I am, five years later. I’m revisiting this now because I am spiralling through a similar phase now as I was then, less intense, but similar. It’s good to come here and see your words. Thanks again for your wisdom.

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