Feeling bad. Feeling broken.

I have had a fever and a terrible cough for 6 days.  I have eaten very little in that time because there is no appetite and there is nausea with eating.  Alan got hit with it a couple of days ago, too, so now we’re both in bed and relying on grandma and grandpa for help with the girls.  I am so, very grateful to have them in town.

Along with hitting rock-bottom with my health this week, I’ve hit rock-bottom emotionally.  I am not enjoying my life right now.  Something has to change.  Since starting this school year and my internship, the way I feel about life has been on a gradual decline.  Now I am at a point where I am no longer excited about school, do not like my internship, and honestly, am freaked out about the career I am signing up for.

I need a hiatus from it all.  I want to quit my internship, take some time away from school, and rekindle my spirit.  I want to be here to see my kids off to school in the morning, see them when they get home, and tuck them into bed every night.

Since I am in a depressed state, I have a “fuck it” mentality.  I can see that I may come out of this, and I can also see that going forward without changing anything is not going to make anything better.  I don’t want to give the next year of my life to an internship that totally stresses me out.

Also, I strongly dislike my LADC track at school.  I dislike the classes and the whole vibe of the field.  Even though my classes are at Adler, they have nothing to do with Adlerian psychology. It is very rigid and rule-based.  I don’t roll like that.  I need room for creativity in my work, and I do not want the pressure that comes along with working with the government for funding.  I despise that kind of work.  An LADC job an office job with deadlines and more work than one person can handle.  Basically that is a nightmare in my book.

So, if I want to do this mental health thing at all, I am thinking just getting the MA in the MFT and see if I even want to get licensed.  Maybe I don’t want to get licensed.  Maybe I just want a cash-based practice.  I don’t know if I want to deal with all the insurance bullshit. I want to make my own hours.  I want to keep my family first.

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