So much better.

Mercury retrograde is over, but doesn’t go completely direct until November 9th.  Still, I can feel the weight being lifted.  This was the hardest Mercury retrograde period I’ve had in a long time.

Along with having pneumonia and being the most sick I’ve ever been in my life, (except for when I was sick with morning sickness, which is a different kind of sick), I had a mental breakdown and felt super crappy emotionally for the duration of my illness.

It was all for the better, as struggles usually are.  We can learn so much when we are ripped open and exposed like that.  What I learned is that I had to make a decision about my schooling and internship to make it in line with what I want and what makes me happy.  In light of this, I decided to drop the LADC portion of my training and internship, which will shorten my time to graduation, make my internship shorter and less demanding, and overall make me happier–because I have also learned that I never want to work as an LADC, even for one day.  The paperwork and government oversight is enough to make me go bananas.  So, I am going for my LMFT, and working toward my goal of being a creative therapist with freedom to choose my clients and how I work with them.

I also realized that I need to get my anxiety under control.  My stress-coping skills are lacking, and when life throws me lemons I get so stressed out that I make myself really sick.  I had two panic attacks along with my pneumonia, and ended up taking Ativan for one of them.  It helped a lot, but I am not a “Band-Aid” kind of person.  So I know what I need to work on.  I need to be able to do what I need to do, manage my life, without becoming a nervous wreck who makes myself and everyone around me miserable.

I was raised in fear.  My parents still perpetuate fear and extremism every time we are together.  It’s fine for them to be who they are, but I have blindly adopted the fear-based mentality that I was raised with.  It’s time for me to change that now.  I don’t want to live like that.  I want to live believing the BEST will happen, rather than the worst.  And I want to live believing that IF the worst were to happen, which it still has not ever happened in my entire life, that I CAN COPE WITH IT.

So, today I have more energy, physically and mentally, than I’ve had for weeks.  It’s great.  I wrote out our new budget and am planning to make something yummy to eat.  Ginger carrot soup, maybe.  Pumpkin cranberry muffins.  It’s nice to be feeling better.

I have class all day Saturday, and my instructor has been so kind to me about missing all the class I’ve missed.  He’s allowing me to make it all up and take an extension.  It stresses me out a bit, but I am working hard to choose to be grateful for the opportunity and trust that I can get it done.

I’m going back to my internship next week.  I feel nervous, of course, but again, am working on trusting that I CAN handle it and do well there.  I can take care of myself AND help others.  I can be a therapist AND a mom, at the same time.


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