A strange day.

I felt weird today–not the good way I’ve been feeling lately.  I am quite sure I am at a lower vibration and feeling the effects of it.  I felt down about housework and carrying more weight than is fairly mine, about my children fighting, and about our house which feels like it is closing on on me with stuff and walls.  I feel cramped and that our house is too small, and that my husband is too stubborn to budge and make a move to a bigger place.

Worst of all, I have this pain of losing my mother when I haven’t even lost her yet.  It’s like I can already feel that grief that I will feel when she is gone and I feel panicked to make the most of having her in this world.  I am sitting here thinking about how the heck a person can go on in this world without their mother?! It seems absurd! To think about living in a world without that mother love–it is utterly dark and painful.  I love my mom so much.  It’s such a deep and primal love.  And, I am remembering now that I had an energetic counseling session less than a month ago in which I strengthened my own boundaries in order to separate from my mother (in a healthy way), and maybe this is the residual effect of that.

I am also pondering my children growing older, which I do all too often, and feeling the pain of the past.  Anna is going to be 6 this year and Mia 11.  Anna’s first 5 years are almost complete, never to be repeated again.  Did I appreciate her enough? Did I give her enough? Right now, I do not think so.  It is painful to acknowledge.  And I can never, ever have a do-over.  I have to accept and forgive my shortcomings and hope to give her the best I can from here on out.  Again, maybe this is a result of the strengthening of my energetic boundaries and the healthy separation from my children.

So, I think my mood came to this place today because of lack of sleep, too much sugar, and too much gluten.  The way back up is positive thinking, gratitude, purpose, movement, and eating well–and tending to those energetic boundaries I am working on.

Here goes my gratitude:

I am grateful for my mother, that she held me and nursed me, taught me what it means to love and be loved.  I am grateful she is still in this world.

I am grateful for being a mother.  I am grateful for my children, who have made me my most vulnerable self, who have given me a deeper purpose, and who fill my life with unconditional love and joy.

I am grateful for my husband, who has been by my side through thick and thin and loves me even on my worst of days–and if we live long enough, who will love me when I am wrinkled and gray.

I am grateful for the gifts within me: a compassionate heart, a desire to better myself, a curious and open mind, and an appreciation for beauty that enriches my daily life.

I am grateful that I know how to make myself feel better without the use of any drugs or other substances, food, or money.

Thank you.


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