September 8, 2017

I guess I should start off by saying “hello again” to this blog.  It’s been nearly two years since we’ve seen each other.  Today I had the urge to write for the first time in a long time.  And while this blog seems foreign now, it’s the only place I have to put these words that are coming out of me.  

I woke up today feeling especially grateful for the experience of being alive.  Life is rich and complex.  And at the same time, it is consistent and simple.  Today I especially feel like this physical experience is a journey–a temporary thing that I can choose to enjoy and marvel at. It’s like I can step outside of myself and see that we’re all just living in these bodies and don’t know what we’re really doing here.  All of the trials and tribulations are just experiences–something that will give life depth and meaning, and hopefully lead to wisdom and understanding, too. Like Louise Hay said, “We’re on an endless journey through time.”

What brings a great deal of joy in my current state of being is my relationships with my children.  I adore them.  I love being a mom; I love being their mom.  It is an absolute joy and an honor.  I love planning things with them and spending time with them.  I love lying in bed at night and chatting with them past their bedtimes. I love looking forward to spending time with Alan and the girls over the weekend.  I love getting up in the morning to walk Mia to the bus.  I love bike riding around our neighborhood and biking Anna to school.  I love a day off from work to spend at home, tidying up and caring for our “nest”, with open windows and a cool breeze blowing in. I love birds singing and trees blowing in the wind. I love yoga classes in my new hometown.  I love listening to Pandora while thinking about life and how to grow and get better each day.  I love baths with epsom salts while listening to Josh Groban on Pandora and crying because life is so beautiful. I love nature and being outside, being silent and listening to the sounds of nature, seeing the sun rise and set, seeing the animals and plants survive amazingly amongst each other with only seeds, earth, sun and rain to sustain them. I love sleeping in our solid, warm bed beside my sweet Anna who is my bedtime companion these days.  I love Alan’s consistency and his unwavering loyalty, gentleness and kindness–and that he is exactly the dad I wanted for my children.  I love feeling content in this life we’ve created–which is pretty simple, stable, and nicely predictable these days.

I love my parents.  I love watching them grow old and become more of their true selves, now that the stresses of parenting and supporting a young family are mostly behind them.  I love seeing my children love them and them love my children.  I know now how much they have always loved me, too, and I am grateful for that love.

Time passes more quickly than ever before.  And somehow, I find myself feeling at peace with that.  I used to struggle a great deal with the passing of time, and maybe I still do at times.  I love the phase we’re in, and I love seeing my children grow.  My increased cellulite, gray hair and forehead creases are a reminder of where I’ve been.  They mark a milestone in this physical journey, one of lessons and pain and joy and growth.  I guess I feel grateful for it all, even for the cellulite and wrinkles.

While I am still, at times, hit with the pangs of wanting more children and wishing I had a bunch of babies and was still a homeschooling mom, I’ve noticed that what I have wanted has often times contradicted with what was best.  And sometimes I wanted two things that contradicted each other, such as freedom and babies, for example.  Sometimes life presents us with choices, and sometimes it hands us what we’re intended to have.  Or, maybe it’s all what we’re intended to have and we really don’t have much choice at all.

I guess balance can never be achieved.  Maybe part of life is learning to live with the “what ifs” and “what could have beens”.  Perhaps it’s all perfectly orchestrated, and there never could have been another way.  Like this is exactly the way it is supposed to be.

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