I’m happy.

I feel like I have to hold my breath to make this feeling last.  I am happy.

I guess it’s more than a feeling.  It’s a state of being that I don’t usually have.  There is contentment and gratitude and faith that things are the way they are supposed to be.

Last week I had a health scare that shook me up quite a bit and left me thinking about my own mortality.  I thought about how my family might go on without me someday and what it would be like to leave them behind.  After some tests, I learned that I do not have any fatal diseases and that I am okay for now.  It was a relief, and it was also a blessing to have gone through that.

I have fibrocystic breasts, which have become increasingly painful.  Because I am a holistically minded person, I am not settled on the “take some Tylenol” recommendation of my MD.  I am working with my wonderful holistic doctor to heal my breast tissue along with the rest of my body.  Inflammation in one area of the body means inflammation in other areas, and the solution involves a new diet, better stress management, and better self care.  Chronic inflammation leads to a host of disease, including cancer.

Whether I can get my body to a better place or not, today I feel peace and contentment that this is the experience I am here to have.  If I get breast cancer (which is what I sense that my condition could lead to), then I’ll get that.  If I die young, then so be it.  I’ll do my best to be well and accept whatever comes.

Anna is home with me today.  I spent the day cleaning the house.  I hugged Anna for a long time and felt her beautiful energy, like rays of sunshine permeating every cell of my being.  In that moment, I felt that everything I needed is right here, right now.  Like Eckhart Tolle says, “Be here now.”  Today, I am here.

Life is a rollercoaster

Extreme ups and downs can exist simultaneously. This is something I haven’t realized until recently.

I feel both love and joy when I think of my dad, and also grief and sadness. It’s such a complicated mixture of feelings. It takes a lot of energy to experience this and I am starting to wonder how it will affect me in the long term.  My dad is doing well at this time, and my goal is to focus on that as much as I can.

I am reminiscing a great deal and thinking of wonderful things about my dad.  I want to compile a little book for him that contains some of my memories.  If enough time and ambition arises, I’ll include some sketches or photos, too.

Our little family had a lovely Easter weekend with baskets and colored eggs and yummy food and karaoke. And, we started something new: telling jokes along with karaoke. It is so much fun. Laughter and singing are maybe the best medicine for the soul.