As a part of the ongoing inner work and also re-joining Facebook, I’ve realized more fully that there are a lot of addictive tendencies I experience from day to day. My endless struggle seems to be maintaining focus and staying on the straight and narrow path. To me, this path is taking care of my health, my family, and doing the spiritual work. I get sucked into negative thinking, paranoid thoughts, eating impulsively, not exercising, and checking my phone endlessly. I feel frustrated with myself. I feel like I have ADHD. The underlying cause of the addictions seem to be a sense of entitlement that I’m not letting go of. There is a desire to escape discomfort. And, there is the general feeling of emotional and physical fatigue that has been around for a while.
While the inner turmoil has been somewhat better recently, I continue to experience this sense of feeling lost and directionless. The visual metaphor I have in my mind is that I’m walking at night through a small town on cobblestone streets. The town is asleep, with only street lights turned on. I’m cold and it’s raining ice cold rain, and I’m covering up with a rain coat. I just keep walking and walking but don’t know where I’m headed. Despite this, there is still a sense of safety and security and that there are people in the houses that I can turn to if I need them. My astrology predictions say I’ll feel this way until 2021, so I’d better get comfortable with this.
What I’m very drawn to right now are spirituality and especially Christianity. Maybe because of Christmas, maybe because it’s just my path right now. I have been listening to Christian music and watching Jesus videos. And, I’ve enjoyed it a great deal and feel that it nourishes my soul. Over Christmas we went to a traditional church service at Mount Olivet Lutheran Church and I enjoyed it greatly. We also went to Alan’s church on Christmas day, which was not enjoyable in the religious sense but it was enjoyable because we saw many special people I haven’t seen in a while. I think that since leaving Alan’s church, I’ve been uncertain of where I stand and what I need in terms of religion and spirituality. Maybe I’m in a place now where it feels safe to explore and find my own meaning in these things.