A new year (almost)

Anna came down with a very sore throat and fever today, so my guess is we’ll lay pretty low for New Year’s Eve.

Normally around this time of year, I feel pretty excited about the prospect of a new year, a fresh start, and making new year’s resolutions. Although I rarely keep my resolutions, that hasn’t stopped me from making them. This year, I’m not feeling it. Maybe that’ll change tomorrow. The feelings of discouragement and perhaps of depression are a barrier at the moment. But, who knows? Maybe this will be the year that I actually do lose 20 lbs. and start exercising.

Facebook, as expected, has been difficult for me. At first, it was a rush to be back in touch with so many people I care about and catch up with them. I get to be a part of the group that Alan enjoys communicating with on Facebook and I get to make sure he doesn’t flirt with anybody on there (yes, I am that jealous). Now that rush is gone, and I’m left with this annoying feeling like I have to check it multiple times per day. I am thinking a lot about my friend, Allison, who is really good at managing screen time. I think she checks Facebook once per week. That would be good for me and perhaps this could be my New Year’s resolution. Interestingly, research shows that the more a person uses social media, the less happy a person is and the less satisfying real-life relationships one has. I can see that in my own life. There’s a feeling of being left out without Facebook and not knowing anything, but maybe this ignorance is bliss. Being with Facebook brings far more complicated problems to conquer, such as risk of infidelity, competing with real-life relationship quality, comparing one’s life to others’ lives, information overload, anxiety, and getting triggered by upsetting posts.

My self-esteem has been at rock-bottom for quite some time now. I’m not completely sure what is going on. I think I’m suffering from legitimate mental illness right now, even though I don’t really buy into mental diagnoses completely. I know, ironic. With a few exceptions, usually mental illness is a matter of a spiritual crisis combined with poor life choices and is usually correctable without medication or even therapy. I do think there is a hormonal/chemical imbalance thing going on with me, possibly related to diet and exercise, intestinal flora, negative beliefs, aging, and stress. There is a spiritual crisis of sorts that is going on, and this can’t be fixed from the outside. I have to go through it from within. What is my purpose here? Am I even worthy? Am I lovable? Is God punishing me? Sounds stupid, I know. I think everyone is worthy, lovable, and I don’t believe God punishes anybody…except for me. Why is that? The part of me that thinks I’m not good enough has been around as long as I can remember. Can I maybe let this go in the new year? If I let it go, I can hardly imagine what could be possible. Everything in my life would be better if I could let it go.

Here are some photos we had taken at JC Penney this year. We weren’t able to get them done in time to send out Christmas cards this year, but had them taken, anyway. Honestly, that’s ok. I really dislike myself in the family photo and prefer not sending it out. I love Alan and the girls, though.

I ordered a copy of the Lamsa Bible, which according to David Hawkins is the Bible most close to the original Aramaic text of Jesus. I see online that there is controversy over this, so it’ll be interesting to learn more about that. Bible passages have been comforting to me lately. Here is one I like today, from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount from Matthew 5 in the King James Bible. It fills my heart.

1And seeing the multitudes, He went up on a mountain, and when He was seated His disciples came to Him. 2Then He opened His mouth and taught them, saying:

3“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
For they shall inherit the [a]earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
For they shall be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
For they shall obtain mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

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