Breakthrough

Along with the other resolutions posted the other day, some other ones have crept in. These are letting go and surrendering to life, and ultimately, surrendering to God.

This means letting go of my need to control everything, and the belief that I even can control everything. Because, I can’t. I control nothing.

Surrender. Letting go.

As a result of this intention, I woke up Saturday morning and asked Alan to go with me on an overnight trip to Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where we met and lived as newlyweds. A getaway for just the two of us, for just the second time in our life as parents. He said “yes”, so we dropped everything and left. Mia, Anna, and Penny were in the loving care of Alan’s parents.

We didn’t take many pictures, but here is one from the beginning of our adventure. The joy on our faces is real. The trip was absolutely rejuvenating.

The above photo is taken from the inside of Acoustic Cafe in downtown Eau Claire. The white building kitty corner across the street was the building we lived in when we were first married. We had the three top windows on the right on the front side of the building.

Drinking coffee inside the cafe, I sort of went into a trance and back in time to when we lived in that little apartment across the street and who I was back then.

Twenty-two years old, newly married, working as a nursing assistant at a nursing home down the street. Young, naive. Also good at heart, well-intentioned, doing my best, responsible, hard-working, loving, sensitive, kindhearted.

Looking out that window, my heart overflowed with compassion for my former self, the self that lived in that little apartment and did the best with what she had.

I cried.

I am still that person, still of the same essence. I was never good enough for myself. Not then, not afterward. In that moment, I realized that maybe I’ve been good enough all along. Good enough for me, good enough for Alan, good enough for my parents, good enough for everyone, good enough for God.

Can I have that compassion for my present self? Can I let go of those judgments against myself and let myself be good enough?

I can.