I felt guilty after my last post. I was worried that the few people who read this blog and know me personally would withdraw from my life. And I was worried it was wrong to write it, in general. Of course, no one withdrew from my life. In fact, they checked in with me and reached out. I have good people in my life. Such good people.
I was going to post a part II to my pathetic post, but decided that would be a bit pitiful. There is a lot of goodness in my life and there is always so much to be thankful for. Anyone who has struggled with depression knows that those feelings of gratitude are hard to access when under a dark cloud. Depression is very much being under a dark cloud and not realizing that the sun is shining behind it.
This morning, I slept until 11 am. It was really nice. After I woke up, I laid in my bed and looked out window, listening to music on YouTube. Music is so healing to me; it is actually miraculous. Over the last couple of weeks, I have struggled to even be affected by music, which is usually my go-to when feeling down. Today I felt moved and healed by the music of Hauser and Enya, and laid in bed listening for almost 2 hours. Then I got up and completed chores, took a nice shower, braided my hair, got dressed, and put mascara on. I felt a lot better today, like that dark cloud has dissipated a bit and spots of sun are shining through.
This week I saw a sleep specialist and he told me that I likely have sleep apnea, which could explain my daytime sleepiness and frequent waking at night. I will have a sleep study done to find out for sure. I also made an appointment with a psychiatrist to be evaluated for possible TMS therapy, which is a new therapy for depression that uses magnetic pulses to the brain. In addition, I applied for an intensive outpatient program for healing attachment trauma, which is really the root of my mental health and relationship problems. I will see how all of these line up and fit into my life, which feels very full already. The outpatient program will put us into some debt, once again, but hopefully it will be worth it and we can pay it off in a reasonable time.
My work has been grueling over the last two weeks. Working as a therapist is very difficult when one’s own life is not going well. I have had difficulty concentrating and even fell asleep at one appointment. As soon as I get home, I go into my bed and sleep, and I have fallen behind in paperwork. So, my goal this week is to get all caught up and back on track.
Sending love and peace to everyone out there. Thanks for reading.