The waters have settled and there is peace in my heart. There was a long period of darkness and intense suffering at times, but it’s passed now. Feeling the feelings and then letting them go was the only thing to do, and it seemed to finally allow the release to happen. Today was the first day that Mercury went direct again, after 3 weeks of it being retrograde.
Anna has been singing in the choir at Mount Olivet Lutheran Church. She loves it. I am starting to love it, too. I’ve attended services there on Sunday mornings when she has choir practice. It feels safe and good to freely engage in religion again, at a place that feels healthy and good.
Almost 11 years after starting this blog, 100% of the free space for photos has been filled.
To add more space requires $48 per year. That seems like a pretty big commitment if it were to continue forever. So, it seems we’re at a crossroad, WordPress and me.
I’d like to leave this blog in cyberspace for my kids to read someday if that’s what they want to do. There is a record here of their lives over the last decade, in some shape or form. Well, maybe more specifically, there is a record in pieces of my experience as their mom.
Today I wanted to post some photos of Mia and Anna from this week, pictures that spark joy and love and gratitude. But alas, there is no room for that now!
Until I figure out what to do next, I’ll probably keep on writing here without photos. Writing here leaves me feeling lighter and better. After the last post about how awful I felt, I felt better almost right away. That’s the power of writing.
This blog has been my free therapy and I am grateful for it. It’s been someone or something to listen and hold the space for my big feelings.
Thank you to those of you who have read and let me share with you. Bless your hearts. Truly. Thank you.
Writing here has felt self-indulgent lately. It’s not necessarily helpful to others for me to write about pain here, but rather, it burdens them. I don’t want to bring down the few precious people who read this blog. My words, however insignificant, are putting something, en energy, out into the world. So I’ve been thinking: what is the point of writing here? It is self-serving and indulgent? What if I could just let it all go?
Certainly I’ve been to that place before and stopped writing here. Right now it serves as a safe place to process and be heard. A safe place to put the chaos and turbulence I’ve been feeling for a while, and I hope to send out a more positive and affirming vibe again when it comes back to me.
That brings me to where I’m trying to go: to a place of unconditional love. That’s where I really want to be. A place where I forgive everyone and myself; a place where I love everyone and myself–no matter what. No matter what.
For a long time, I’ve worked on healing my heart, forgiving, and loving people and things as they are. Forgiving is easier than forgetting. What is most difficult is to forget.
Learning who I am and who I am on this earth to be–that has apparently been my lifelong assignment. Whether I really know who I am or why I am here yet, even after 41 years, I am not sure. I do believe that everything I’ve experienced is for a reason and it’s a part of my soul’s purpose here. The challenge has been great; too great, at times. It’s been, at times, overwhelming to the point where I’ve wanted to let go of this life. My life, I feel, has been heavy, painful, sorrowful. That’s not to say it has not had great joy, too, because it has. There has been great joy, too. The joy is what keeps me going. It provides just enough juice to get through the next hurdle.
And, maybe this is just what life is: a mix of everything. The goal is to embrace that.
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace: where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.
The anonymous text that is usually called the Prayer of Saint Francis (or Peace Prayer, or Simple Prayer for Peace, or Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace) is a widely known Christian prayer for peace. Often associated with the Italian SaintFrancis of Assisi (c. 1182 – 1226), but entirely absent from his writings, the prayer in its present form has not been traced back further than 1912. Its first known occurrence was in French, in a small spiritual magazine called La Clochette (The Little Bell), published by a Catholic Church organization in Paris named La Ligue de la Sainte-Messe (The League of the Holy Mass). The author’s name was not given, although it may have been the founder of La Ligue, Father Esther Bouquerel. The prayer was heavily publicized during both World War I and World War II. It has been frequently set to music by notable songwriters and quoted by prominent leaders, and its broadly inclusive language has found appeal with diverse faiths encouraging service to others.
^ Jump up to: abcdef Piccuci, Egidio (19–20 January 2009). “Le origini del testo attribuito a san Francesco d’Assisi: L’Osservatore Romano e la vera storia della Preghiera semplice”. L’Osservatore Romano (in Italian). p. 6.
Piccuci, Egidio (19–20 January 2009). “Le origini del testo attribuito a san Francesco d’Assisi: L’Osservatore Romano e la vera storia della Preghiera semplice”. L’Osservatore Romano (in Italian). p. 6.
Along with the other resolutions posted the other day, some other ones have crept in. These are letting go and surrendering to life, and ultimately, surrendering to God.
This means letting go of my need to control everything, and the belief that I even can control everything. Because, I can’t. I control nothing.
Surrender. Letting go.
As a result of this intention, I woke up Saturday morning and asked Alan to go with me on an overnight trip to Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where we met and lived as newlyweds. A getaway for just the two of us, for just the second time in our life as parents. He said “yes”, so we dropped everything and left. Mia, Anna, and Penny were in the loving care of Alan’s parents.
We didn’t take many pictures, but here is one from the beginning of our adventure. The joy on our faces is real. The trip was absolutely rejuvenating.
The above photo is taken from the inside of Acoustic Cafe in downtown Eau Claire. The white building kitty corner across the street was the building we lived in when we were first married. We had the three top windows on the right on the front side of the building.
Drinking coffee inside the cafe, I sort of went into a trance and back in time to when we lived in that little apartment across the street and who I was back then.
Twenty-two years old, newly married, working as a nursing assistant at a nursing home down the street. Young, naive. Also good at heart, well-intentioned, doing my best, responsible, hard-working, loving, sensitive, kindhearted.
Looking out that window, my heart overflowed with compassion for my former self, the self that lived in that little apartment and did the best with what she had.
I am still that person, still of the same essence. I was never good enough for myself. Not then, not afterward. In that moment, I realized that maybe I’ve been good enough all along. Good enough for me, good enough for Alan, good enough for my parents, good enough for everyone, good enough for God.
Can I have that compassion for my present self? Can I let go of those judgments against myself and let myself be good enough?
Things are so much better in my world since the new year arrived, probably thanks to a few little changes. Here are my resolutions for this year:
Exercise every day
Start each day with a grateful heart, a positive attitude, and loving intentions
Don’t eat sugar
Have more fun
It took one day to feel the effects of practicing these intentions. Eliminating sugar has an almost immediate impact on my mental health. Each day will start with some kind of devotion or meditation–whatever is important to me at the time. Today it was: “This is the day that the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” And really feeling the gratitude along with it. Each day in this life is a gift, and to not appreciate it is so unfortunate (and I’ve been doing that lately).
That, along with the love and support from the lovely people in my life, have made things turn around.
Yesterday was a wonderful day and I had FUN! I drove to my hometown by myself, which is about an hour from where I live now. After driving around the town and shopping at the old Wal-Mart, I met up with my friend, Michelle, with whom I went to school since we were kids. We didn’t hang out when we were in school, but always knew each other and were in the same classes many times. We reconnected over Facebook a while back when we realized we had a lot in common. Now she is a cherished friend. After that, I visited my parents at their house and we had coffee and talked for hours. It was a restorative and special day. My heart is still warm and full from that day.
As far as the exercise routine goes, I started an exercise program online today. After 12 minutes of it, my body told me to stop. So, here’s to starting small and not giving up. Each day it will get better and easier. The body is really, really out of shape.
Feeling good, feeling motivated for a new beginning.